Last October I traveled to Nashville, Tennessee for a weekend of mentoring by Robby Dawkins. We (~ six of us) were the ministry team for a conference hosted by the Nashville Vineyard. The church is only a few blocks from the pro football stadium for the NFL Tennessee Titans. On the last day, Sunday, hosts told us there was a football game and parking (only available on the street!!!!) might be an issue. I was driving my rental car. (OF COURSE PARKING WILL BE AN ISSUE!!! DUH!!! )

Alarmed because I do not know my way around downtown Nashville and I had no idea where to park in a congested game-day traffic nightmare, I tried to press in asking Robby’s assistant, Alyssa, for more information— what to do? She looked at me puzzlingly... there was no problem yet. (I inferred, why would we be wasting emotional or intellectual energy problem-solving a problem that did not exist?)

I breathed deeply and off we went. Approaching the church, unknown to any of us, we saw the staff had blocked off parking spots for us using orange cones. I had to laugh. No problem.

There was no problem.

And I could have expended energy trying to plan ahead for one. Jesus was speaking to me. He is speaking to me now in the midst of sheltering at home, and has used the visual imagery of those cones ever since to whisper to me, “WAIT until you actually have a problem to solve it.”

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

So very true.

There is SO MUCH speculation, prediction, swirling to invade our peace in a time when DUH OF COURSE THERE WILL BE A PROBLEM (crashing real estate values, loss of retirement accounts, economy crashing, death among people we might even know...the list goes on ). And yet, Jesus smiles, knowing He is meeting us as each challenge actually materializes, and He might even be setting up cones in front of the House of God. We are that house, if we can only keep a firm grip on our bold confidence. (Hebrews 3:6 MSG)

Join me in prayer--

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, I open my palms before You in surrender. I confess I do not know how things will turn out in the aftermath of this pandemic. There are clear indicators of trouble, a platform for Your intervention and provision. We declare You are faithful, my ever-present help in my time of need. I trust You, the God Who knows the end from the beginning, in Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

Earlier this week I had worked out a deal with a Turkish company to use my photography in a product they manufacture. The arrangement crashed upon discovery that some invisible quality of my photography is not good enough, resolution numbers behind the scenes defining how large my photos can be expanded. I use an iPhone as my camera. That is all I have. It has been enough, until it wasn’t. My inventory of thousands of pictures --  not good enough. 

Not good enough for some invisible, non-rectifiable reason that I do not really understand because it is numbers and math and technology.  Numbers. In the highest reading group, I nearly failed sixth grade over my non-existent math skills. I cheated to get through summer school and progressed on to the seventh grade. I am not proud of that. 

Not good enough reverberated through me today taking an ax swing at old wounds. It is not just my cherished but useless collection of photos, but all the things my heart has dreamed and not seen brought to fruition, including certain yearnings for my adult children, and restorative work in developing nations. Hope deferred, over and over again. Pain.  

Inadequacies lurk beneath my surface— not good enough to make everything all right for those I love. Outcomes I was never meant to control. Things I cannot see or understand this side of the veil. 

Can what God brings to fruition be enough to satisfy me? In truth, I need to find my satisfaction in Christ alone, not in the realization of all I desire. I have seen many well-meaning posts proclaiming, “I am enough!” I am not enough. I am not near enough. What I am however, is beloved, and in God, doors and opportunities open for me well beyond the sum of my strengths, likability, intellect or resources. 

He is enough. In the midst of recognition there are and will always be ways I cannot measure up, things my good heart cannot resolve, today He has reminded me in Him I am everything needed anyway. 

Join me in prayer? 

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, 
You alone are worthy, our God of mercy and grace Who invites us into Your inner sanctuary for communion. Open palms before You, we surrender to You once again all outcomes, unresolved crises, all the ways life screams at us about our inadequacies. We declare it is in our weakness Your strength is on full display. Your power is made perfect in our weakness as we yield to You, and draw near in utter dependency. We declare Your grace is sufficient; You are enough, and that is enough for us, in Jesus’ Name.

There are plenty of subjects regarding depression and anxiety that I think are underrepresented in discussions thereof, far too many to list or count. But one unacknowledged symptom in particular has been on my mind lately. It affects me, it affects my friends, and it even mildly affects those who aren’t sick at all. I’m talking about self focus. 

I wrote to my friend about it recently and she told me the word I’d used initially, “narcissism,” was too harsh. “Narcissism” evokes images of self aggrandizement, selfishness, and delusions of grandeur. But the image I want to convey is one I’m positive most people have experienced on one level or another. 

​Imagine you’re a researcher scheduled to speak at a panel, or a guest speaker at a church, or a high schooler giving a presentation. The anxiety therein is understandable. Everyone will be focused on you. You’re in center stage with the spotlight on you. Now think of the first day at a new school, the first time you tried to talk to someone you had a crush on, going to a fancy dress event you didn’t feel confident in attending. It feels similar, but why?

This is what I mean by “self focus.” Even in situations where the world isn’t actually watching us, it sometimes feels as though if we slip, everyone will see us fall. 

​The difference between the life experience for neurotypical people and neurodivergent people with anxiety is that for us, the anxious feeling is constant. Mental illness is a bubble engulfing you that’s so large you can’t even begin to see outside it, and all you have left to focus on is yourself.

​When I go out to meet with people, I spend hours ahead of time fretting over how I’ll mess it up. When I write for people to read, I’m terrified of the catastrophic effects it will have, that I’m doing it wrong and people will notice.

On especially bad days I’ve been known to forget how to walk properly and I have to manually move my feet, because what if I’m doing it wrong? Will people notice?  I am hyper aware of myself at all times and that means I assume others are as well. 

​One of the most comforting things I’ve ever experienced was going through a minor existential crisis. I know, that doesn’t make sense, but bear with me. The baseline of an existential crisis is “Nothing you do matters.” Roll that one over in your mind for a minute. No matter what I do, the world spins on. It doesn’t matter if I tripped and fell in public, it doesn’t matter I said something awkward, it doesn’t matter I couldn’t behave “normally” on one day or another. Strangers don’t care about me! My mild slip up will not affect their life and it shouldn’t affect mine either.  

The world spins on. It’s liberating to think about. But, I had to come to that revelation myself, after a long period of introspection.

​It’s not a subject that gets talked about, because it’s a hard topic to tackle from all sides and for all parties involved. I had to sort through my fears alone and even now it’s not easy to make the lesson stick in my mind, because fear is hard to conquer when it stems from messed up chemical reactions.

​The self focus is still there, and it makes me feel selfish and broken a lot of days.

​I wish I could give advice on how to counteract that voice. I wish I could tell you “do X, Y, and Z and it will shut off that voice forever.” But unfortunately it isn’t that easy.

All I can say is to please be understanding when we’re fearful.

• Remind us gently that we aren’t the center of the world.
  
• Be a safety net so we feel less fearful of walking that tightrope between chronic anxiety and the bravery and effort it takes to push through it.
  
• Remind us that we're likable, lovable, and remember that we aren’t bad for thinking mostly of our own perceptions.

​Because at the end of the day, we aren’t selfish or evil or even self centered. We’re just sick.