 | "The difference between the life experience for neurotypical people and neurodivergent people with anxiety is that for us, the anxious feeling is constant." |
Guest blogger this week is my daughter, Carly Boudreau. Today she is sharing her perspective to help shed light on what it's like to live with chronic anxiety.
There are plenty of subjects regarding depression and anxiety that I think are underrepresented in discussions thereof, far too many to list or count. But one unacknowledged symptom in particular has been on my mind lately. It affects me, it affects my friends, and it even mildly affects those who aren’t sick at all. I’m talking about self focus.
I wrote to my friend about it recently and she told me the word I’d used initially, “narcissism,” was too harsh. “Narcissism” evokes images of self aggrandizement, selfishness, and delusions of grandeur. But the image I want to convey is one I’m positive most people have experienced on one level or another.
I wrote to my friend about it recently and she told me the word I’d used initially, “narcissism,” was too harsh. “Narcissism” evokes images of self aggrandizement, selfishness, and delusions of grandeur. But the image I want to convey is one I’m positive most people have experienced on one level or another.
What Self Focus Is Like for a Neurotypical Person
Imagine you’re a researcher scheduled to speak at a panel, or a guest speaker at a church, or a high schooler giving a presentation. The anxiety therein is understandable. Everyone will be focused on you. You’re in center stage with the spotlight on you. Now think of the first day at a new school, the first time you tried to talk to someone you had a crush on, going to a fancy dress event you didn’t feel confident in attending. It feels similar, but why?
This is what I mean by “self focus.” Even in situations where the world isn’t actually watching us, it sometimes feels as though if we slip, everyone will see us fall.
This is what I mean by “self focus.” Even in situations where the world isn’t actually watching us, it sometimes feels as though if we slip, everyone will see us fall.
What Self Focus Is Like for a Neurodivergent Person
The difference between the life experience for neurotypical people and neurodivergent people with anxiety is that for us, the anxious feeling is constant. Mental illness is a bubble engulfing you that’s so large you can’t even begin to see outside it, and all you have left to focus on is yourself.
When I go out to meet with people, I spend hours ahead of time fretting over how I’ll mess it up. When I write for people to read, I’m terrified of the catastrophic effects it will have, that I’m doing it wrong and people will notice.
On especially bad days I’ve been known to forget how to walk properly and I have to manually move my feet, because what if I’m doing it wrong? Will people notice? I am hyper aware of myself at all times and that means I assume others are as well.
When I go out to meet with people, I spend hours ahead of time fretting over how I’ll mess it up. When I write for people to read, I’m terrified of the catastrophic effects it will have, that I’m doing it wrong and people will notice.
On especially bad days I’ve been known to forget how to walk properly and I have to manually move my feet, because what if I’m doing it wrong? Will people notice? I am hyper aware of myself at all times and that means I assume others are as well.
The World Spins On: My Personal Revelation
One of the most comforting things I’ve ever experienced was going through a minor existential crisis. I know, that doesn’t make sense, but bear with me. The baseline of an existential crisis is “Nothing you do matters.” Roll that one over in your mind for a minute. No matter what I do, the world spins on. It doesn’t matter if I tripped and fell in public, it doesn’t matter I said something awkward, it doesn’t matter I couldn’t behave “normally” on one day or another. Strangers don’t care about me! My mild slip up will not affect their life and it shouldn’t affect mine either.
The world spins on. It’s liberating to think about. But, I had to come to that revelation myself, after a long period of introspection.
It’s not a subject that gets talked about, because it’s a hard topic to tackle from all sides and for all parties involved. I had to sort through my fears alone and even now it’s not easy to make the lesson stick in my mind, because fear is hard to conquer when it stems from messed up chemical reactions.
The self focus is still there, and it makes me feel selfish and broken a lot of days.
The world spins on. It’s liberating to think about. But, I had to come to that revelation myself, after a long period of introspection.
It’s not a subject that gets talked about, because it’s a hard topic to tackle from all sides and for all parties involved. I had to sort through my fears alone and even now it’s not easy to make the lesson stick in my mind, because fear is hard to conquer when it stems from messed up chemical reactions.
The self focus is still there, and it makes me feel selfish and broken a lot of days.
How To Help
I wish I could give advice on how to counteract that voice. I wish I could tell you “do X, Y, and Z and it will shut off that voice forever.” But unfortunately it isn’t that easy.
All I can say is to please be understanding when we’re fearful.
Because at the end of the day, we aren’t selfish or evil or even self centered. We’re just sick.
All I can say is to please be understanding when we’re fearful.
- Remind us gently that we aren’t the center of the world.
- Be a safety net so we feel less fearful of walking that tightrope between chronic anxiety and the bravery and effort it takes to push through it.
- Remind us that we're likable, lovable, and remember that we aren’t bad for thinking mostly of our own perceptions.
Because at the end of the day, we aren’t selfish or evil or even self centered. We’re just sick.
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