So what’s fair? Both clearly broke a cardinal rule. My first born needed to understand authority and obedience. My younger child needed to understand impulse control, a completely different lesson. A mother’s intuition discerns the difference, but a child’s observation of differing consequences can build bitterness with the perception of disparate treatment. It’s tempting as a parent to even things out to appeal to the simplicity of fairness. Don’t do it. The goal is not to parent the behavior, but instead, parent the heart. It was never really about the floor.
There was a time when I had two wee little girls. The eldest was perceptive, bright and very discerning. She decided what she wanted to do by weighing her options. The other was very much a free spirit, and unnervingly brilliant. She would laugh uproariously one second, and fly into a blind rage the next. There was a purity about her transparency of heart, warmth and genuine innate generosity that was irresistible. If my eldest took her crayons and colored the white linoleum squares of the kitchen floor, she would have decided that although retribution was guaranteed, the chosen canvas was ideal for her palette, overriding the voice of conscience. Not so with the other child. My littlest one would color her paper on the kitchen floor with obedient intentionality when noticing a stray scribble off the sheet and become enthralled at the beauty captured on this pristine surface. Going with the creative flow, perhaps ten squares might be fully covered in rainbows and flowers prior to the revelation of horror to hit her of what she had just done. Aghast, she would stand over her art in utter disbelief that she had so brazenly violated the sacred rule, “NO COLORING ON THE WALLS OR FLOOR!”
So what’s fair? Both clearly broke a cardinal rule. My first born needed to understand authority and obedience. My younger child needed to understand impulse control, a completely different lesson. A mother’s intuition discerns the difference, but a child’s observation of differing consequences can build bitterness with the perception of disparate treatment. It’s tempting as a parent to even things out to appeal to the simplicity of fairness. Don’t do it. The goal is not to parent the behavior, but instead, parent the heart. It was never really about the floor.
8 Comments
9/27/2012 11:48:43 am
The way you and Chuck love your children is nothing short of inspirational...and heartwarming. I know Father God is pleased.
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9/27/2012 11:54:17 am
I had no idea that 2 of your kids have Tourette's...seems we have more to talk about..love the blog..:))
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So excited to see your blog! Love reading about your mommy advice. I keep a blog too w/family updates and encouragement too at: http://happyandblessedhome.blogspot.com/ You can see current pics of the boys when you have a few minutes. Looking forward to gleaning more of your mommy wisdom!
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Craig Bennett
9/29/2012 03:23:34 am
Mel, you and Chuck are not only amazing parents, but amazing people. Your blogs each are thought provoking and cause me to reflect on my on own life and family. As I live and hopefully grow in wisdon, I have realized how different we all are and deserving of the Grace God has so lavishly poured on us.
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Craig Bennett
9/29/2012 03:27:39 am
I also wanted to let you know that I am looking forward to your future blogs. Hopefully we can all learn what we need to learn - for me the grace, love and tolerance for those that are different from me.
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Alicia Dow
10/12/2012 06:30:41 am
Yo, this is my new fav blog!!!!
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8/7/2013 05:42:53 pm
Its absolutely true, Melanie. It never is about anything material that happens in this world. Each and every action that we do depends on the heart. But is it not necessary for the kids to understand wherein lies their strength and what areas they need to improve upon?
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My philosophy is accountability with empathy. I hold my children accountable for their behaviors because in a real world, they need to understand how to behave, but in doing so, I also have empathy giving credit for efforts less discernable to others, and differienciating between what is of volition versus what cannot be controlled. I touched on this idea in "Just STOP that!" and "I Don't Get No Respect!".
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About MelanieTwo of our three children have Tourette's Syndrome as well as a few other co-morbidities, inherited neuropsychiatric disorders. I'm still happily married, love life and want to share encouragement bringing hope, humor and insight into the process of raising children who are different. Archives
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